I once preferred the known. The thing I could hear, feel, taste and recognize without ever opening my eyes. The thing I knew would happen because it happened every day. The thing I could plug into my phone days in advance and then go and do. The thing I could effortlessly predict its outcome.
I once needed the known. Because I was afraid of everything else.
Or so I thought.
It’s been ten months and I’m doing just fine.
On my own.
In my two-bedroom home in a new zip code, new makeup of neighbors, new median income range, new everything. Absent is my mother to cook dinner or my stepfather to shovel my car out the snow or my brother to dirty the sink with hair shavings.
Present is a matured me.
Every day I wake up is another day I survived the unknown. Or better yet, I trusted God enough to get me through it. Life is now like an episode of Stranger Things, where anything can be lurking in the shadows. Yet, I roll myself out of bed, plant my bare feet on the carpeted floor and start life anew.
And it feels great to finally live without knowing how things will turn out next.
I’ve always been smart, talented, funny and oh yes, timid. I was the girl turned woman who played by the rules (for the most part), said very little and just let life happen the way I thought it was supposed to—all calculated and what not. I watched friends and family hop on life like a mechanical bull and ride it til they mastered it, even if they fell off a few times in between.
See, God had to open my eyes. And my heart and my ears. And my arms to embrace the unknown. He needed me to understand that it’s not about carefree living but obedient living.
These last few months have produced jaw-dropping results since i left DC, the one place I always called home. By moving miles down the interstate to a suburb in Maryland and leaving my family, friends and even the church I had been attending since the age of 13, I had to make room for God to prove himself to me.
Not that he needed my permission, but he definitely needed my full attention. And He got it.
At 30, He has made it loud and clear to me that the unknown should not be feared because there are promises He’s ready to fulfill in my life.
Just like the ones He promised to Abram.
“The lord had said to Abram, ’Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.’” Gen 12:1-3 (NLT)
Now, I am nobody’s mother of many nations but I know that had I not been obedient and entrusting to God, I would still be living in a cramped room in my parents’ house and still going through the motions of attending church but experiencing little growth. I would still be trapped in a limiting and self-doubting mental state that crippled me in more ways than one. And I, just like Abram, had a choice to make. Either stick with what was familiar and carry on life as usual or risk it all on the unknown and accept the call God put on my life. Just imagine how different the outcome would’ve been if Abram remained in his home town of Haran. I’m glad I don’t have to. Because of one man’s obedience, courage and flat out faith in God, nations were blessed. I am blessed. You are blessed. We are blessed to be a part of God’s lineage. We can boldly accept the position as a child of God and not be asked for our credentials.
As a result of my own obedience to God, I see firsthand the things I can do because of Him. I’m not too old or too insignificant to reap His promises. I am no longer bound by my own mindset of the things I can’t do.
I can’t afford to live on my own. I can’t make new friends because I’m too shy and the few I have I’ve known for years. I can’t get a new job because I’ve been in one place for over a decade and I don’t have enough experience to become a well-known writer. I can’t grow spiritually if I join a new body of Christ where I don’t know anyone.
Trusting in God takes work. It also takes you moving out of your own way and backing up your beliefs with actions. I don’t know what God has in store for me beyond this moment but I’m excited for what’s going to come and what has already happened. I’m excited for the people I will bless because of the stories He has given me to share. I am grateful for the new church I have joined where I’ve connected with people who have a burning desire to be closer to God all the while serving others.
The unknown has proven to be rewarding, somewhat scary but most importantly, reassuring thanks to the Word.
“Some time later, the Lord spoke to Abram in a vision and said to him, ‘Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great”-Gen 15:1 (NLT)
While talking to my grandmother one day, she said something to me that quieted every ounce of doubt I experienced since my transition. “You didn’t just move out there to live. God has so much more in store for you.”
And I couldn’t agree more. Bring on the greatness, fame and blessings, God.
Ya girl is ready