I am a woman, hear me roar…right? Women have done amazing things for The Lord, for their families, for their companies, and in tons of other ways for centuries. So why are we still so unsure of ourselves? Why are we “sorry” for everything? Why are we not consistently claiming and acting like who God has called us to be? Why are we not all UNAPOLOGETICALLY FIERCE?
Most people who know me if asked to describe me in a few words at some point would come to the words UNAPOLOGETIC and FIERCE, but that has been and still is a journey! While I have always been generally gregarious, sometimes honest to a fault, and a self-starting go getter there has been periods in life where I have struggled with how I saw myself and how I thought others saw me. The fear of being too smart, too skinny, too loud, too much, too, too, too was the proverbial thorn in my side for a long time.
Funny enough I refused to wear shorts for 4 years because I thought my legs were too skinny. I would give a presentation in a room full of total strangers, I would lead a team project, I would ‘tell you like it is’ but shorts seemed too big a cross to bear. Looking back on it, that was silly; but it did not change that for me that was a very real feeling. I am proud to say I have been DELIVERT from my hatred of shorts though I still tend to avoid wearing them admittedly. Dresses and I have since had a fresh start.
My next mountain became dating. I really worried about ending up with the “right” person. I was fearful that I would somehow get it wrong and then I would OBVIOUSLY never be happy. *inserts face palm* I walked through life picking a part every little thing. Picking apart the little things made me extremely self-conscious, because I believed other people would do the same to me and when they did they would discover that I would be too much. My mom, my village, and I prayed my way through that; I have come to realize decisions ruled by fear are not decisions but rather regrets. Once again DELIVERT!
…but then I started working. Shorts may no longer be my issue but ‘sorry’ is. I have never been so SORRY in my whole life. I am sorry for things I caused, for things I couldn’t have affected outside of being Jesus himself, I’m sorry for being early, I’m sorry for being on time, I’m sorry for EVERYTHING! While this seems like a relatively innocuous habit, I am praying about it because it is not good. I am not saying sorry to fill the gap in an awkward conversation, reflexively, or because I am actually sorry. I am saying sorry because I fear that if I do not overcompensate with apologies people may think I am bossy, or they may find me over powering, or they may see me as “that black girl.” Almost DELIVERT!
I share these things not because it is bad to dislike shorts, or to be critical about who you choose to spend life with, or to apologize. I share them because they are small glimpses into my journey of tackling this fear thing. What I have seen in my own life is that you can overcome a million ‘small issues’ but they are the fruit of your issue not the root of it. The root of my issue is not shorts, boyfriends, or apologies. The root of my issue is being fearful. So why am I fearful? I could say it is because I am a fairly neurotic dooms-dayer who knows Murphy’s Law as well as John 3:16, which would be true but not completely honest. I am fearful because I don’t trust God like I should. In ALL of these experiences it has been about me, not about God. When you know who you belong to and you trust that The Lord wants what is best for you in every avenue even when you don’t feel that way you do not let fear consume you and guide the way that you act. The Bible is full of amazing women who embody this, my favorite is a woman who does not even have a name. Noah’s wife was so bomb to me! This woman had never seen rain but even as the Earth was being flooded she waited on God and she trusted that He would see his promise through. She had every reason to be fearful and to step outside of God’s will by making it about her and what she could do, yet despite it all she chose faith! I like to believe she also chose shorts, a great husband, and she wasn’t sorry about it… but that’s just me.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.” Psalm 46:1-3
I am learning on my journey to believe God like she did, I am learning more about who God is, who I am in Him, and that He has given me the faith to believe when I want to be fearful because it feels like the earth is giving way. I am a Christian woman who refuses to live her life in fear, hear me roar! I don’t always get it right BUT I wear shorts, I have an amazing boyfriend, and I ain’t sorry *Beyoncé voice with a neckroll*.
Facebook: McKenzie Conner